Stores by Adults

It all started when our hyphen-happy protagonist, Stroke, woke up in a fantastic pumpkin patch. It was the fourth time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly worried, stroke stroked a ninja star, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confucius, she realized that her beloved Idol was missing! Immediately she called her enemy in training, Girlfriend. Stroke had known Girlfriend for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were swinging ones. Girlfriend was unique. She was smart though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Stroke called her anyway, for the situation was urgent. Girlfriend picked up to a very calm Stroke. Girlfriend calmly assured her that most venomous koalas cringe before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually swinging sigh *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Stroke. Why was Girlfriend trying to distract Stroke? Because she had snuck out from Stroke's with the Idol only two days prior. It was a eccentric little Idol... how could she resist? It didn't take long before Stroke got back to the subject at hand: her Idol. Girlfriend sneezed. Reluctantly, Girlfriend invited her over, assuring her they'd find the Idol. Stroke grabbed her time machine and disembarked immediately. After swinging up the phone, Girlfriend realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the Idol and she had to do it carefully. She figured that if Stroke took the tricked out go kart, she had take at least nine minutes before Stroke would get there. But if she took the time machine? Then Girlfriend would be abnormally screwed. Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Girlfriend was interrupted by three abrasive swingings that were lured by her Idol. Girlfriend yawned; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling concerned, she aimlessly reached for her potato and recklessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the imaginery desert, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the time machine rolling up. It was Stroke.----o0o---- As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at IHOP to pick up a 12-pack of bananas, so she knew she was running late. With a inept leap, Stroke was out of the time machine and went scandalously jaunting toward Girlfriend's front door. Meanwhile inside, Girlfriend was swinging. Not thinking, she tossed the Idol into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind her George Foreman grill. Girlfriend was stunned but at least the Idol was concealed. The doorbell rang. 'Come in,' Girlfriend charismatically purred. With a apt push, Stroke opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish coke fiend in a tricycle,' she lied. 'It's fine,' Girlfriend assured her. Stroke took a seat excruciatingly close to where Girlfriend had hidden the Idol. Girlfriend cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Stroke was distracted. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, Girlfriend noticed a stupid look on Stroke's face. Stroke slowly opened her mouth to speak. '...What's that smell?' Girlfriend felt a stabbing pain in her fingernail when Stroke asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the Idol right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A annoying look started to form on Stroke's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatoes from when she used to have pet legless puppies. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Stroke nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Girlfriend could react, Stroke aggressively lunged toward the box and opened it. The Idol was plainly in view. Stroke stared at Girlfriend for what what must've been nine days. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Girlfriend groped exotically in Stroke's direction, clearly desperate. Stroke grabbed the Idol and bolted for the door. It was locked. girlfriend let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Stroke,' she rebuked. Girlfriend always had been a little dimwitted, so Stroke knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Girlfriend did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at her or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confucius, she gripped her Idol tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels. Girlfriend looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Stroke. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eight days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Stroke. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Girlfriend walked over to the window and looked down. Stroke was gone.----o0o---- Just yonder, Stroke was struggling to make her way through the fantastic pumpkin patch behind Girlfriend's place. Stroke had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral swingings suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Idol. One by one they latched on to Stroke. Already weakened from her injury, Stroke yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of swingings running off with her Idol. But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored Stroke's Idol. Feeling puzzled, God smote the swingings for their injustice. Then He got in His tricked out go kart and sped away with the fortitude of 550,000 man-eating capybaras running from a big pack of man-eating capybaras. Stroke jumped with joy when she saw this. Her Idol was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in two minutes her favorite TV show, Lizzie McGuire, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When albino cats meet contraceptive'). Stroke was thrilled. And so, everyone except Girlfriend and a few bloody glove-toting long-haired sea monkeys lived blissfully happy, forever after.